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OneDragon
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Country: United States
State: Michigan
Metro: Detroit
Gender: Male
Interests: Living, breathing, working.. :)
Expertise: Gotta be computers.. there are WAY too many of em in my life, but I keep em at bay by being smarter than they are!
Occupation: Computer related (Internet)
Industry: Computers (Internet)
Message: message me
Member Since:
1/28/2004
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| Well, it has been another looong time since I added anything to this site. It just doesnt seem real that it has been almost a year and a half since Jeanne passed away. I have been through a lot since then, but I still think about her EVERY day. I have the ring that I bought her sitting here on my desk and find myself fiddling with it all the time and remembering our times together. I realize that I need to move on and recreate my life without her, but nobody will ever convince me of the need to totally forget her. She was, and still is the best part of my life. I for one never imagined that I would ever meet somebody that I cared as deeply for and who touched my soul on such a primitive level. I miss her. Probably always will. That has not changed. Those that knew her, knew that she was a gift from god that positively changed everyone's life she had contact with. I feel blessed to have been given even a short time with her.
My life has had its ups and downs over the last year and a half. I have been through a lot of adversity, and had a few really miraculous things happen in my life. The main thing, I am still alive. I have battled some pretty serious depression and financial setbacks, but it seems that I have come out from under at last. I have been working at a place for almost 8 months now (I know, thats not long), have moved several times, and am now in a position where I am looking through real estate ads trying to find a place of my own. I had refused to do this before until I had the money to pay cash for a house (I am too old to do the mortgage thing). Well, I got a bonus at work this week that put me over the top. I no longer can use money as an excuse. It is a strange thing to read those earlier postings on this site and remember how bleak things looked then. I have not even started the search for a companion, I dont even know how I feel about doing that. I dont want to try to find a Jeanne-replacement. I DO want to find somebody that I can connect with and share my life with, but I was using my financial problems as an excuse to avoid it. I guess I am in the market again, although I feel no sense of urgency about it. I am lonely and want somebody in my life again, but I am not desperate and I really want to be sure before I make a commitment. Jeanne would have wanted me to meet someone, but I am not going to rush about it. Suddenly I have something worth living for. I still wish Jeanne was here to share it with.
I am using the public nick of EvilSide now. It kinda suits my mind and what I have been through the last 18 months. I may be changing it in the near future to reflect my new and better outlook on life. Any suggestions? | | |
| I havent updated this since February?? Gawd, that seems like forever ago. Many changes in my life later, I am still alive!!! Got thru most of the financial shit, but for some reason (I really dont know), I seem to be able to create bad stuff to happen to me. I totalled the truck I got from Jeanne. I was pulling away from the curb, and the accelerator stuck to the floor. I hit 6 cars before I could stop the damn thing. No injuries to myself, but the truck is gone. It doesnt rain, but it pours. $4000 in damages to pay now. I scouted for and got a decent job tho. I can pay all that shit up within 6 months, but it really puts a burden on me getting a better place to live. I am currently sharing a house with my niece, her bf and 3 kids. Nice enough family, but still not near as nice as having my own place. It will all come, eventually. I just need about another 3 months to "get my shit together". All my bills are almost taken care of (the "city bus" suxxxxors)., and I am almost financially able to go put some money on a new car, prolly next month. I am recovering, not as fast as I would like, but gettin there :)
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| I never knew the trials and tribulations to be faced when somebody very close to you passes away. Suddenly, all credit is cut off, all people you owe any money to want it yesterday, there is no possibility of working out a payment arrangement. I have taken care of the financial matters I was able to (the savings in the bank was the first thing to go). Now, I am trying to move from this apartment (it is amazing how cozy for 2 makes freaking empty for 1). I think the only way that I will be able to get a grip on all these bills is - drop everything, pay all the past bills, then negotiatie for new service. I swear there should be a guide somewhere for how to handle all this crap. On top of everything else, my truck had to have the plates renewed.. more $$$ down the tubes. I know, I know.. here I am doing all this bitching, and what have I done to improve my situation? Well, I have actually done quite a bit.. but why is it so difficult to get people to help? I mean, they hear about you losing your loved one and suddenly they dont feel that they want to be close to you until "you work it out".. Aint that a shame? Dont they know that now is when they are needed most? I must confess, my family has gone out of their way to try to help me out (at least some have). My mother has been a saint (for the first time in my life). I am faced with hard decisions every day.. would like to just start shooting people who come over to offer their candolences then start asking if I want to sell stuff. (Imagine selling a $150 DVD player for the $20 I was offered for it.) I know things will improve as time goes by.. but I would gladly give everything I own if it would bring Jeanne back. There is nothing material that comes close to meaning as much to me as she did.
Anyway, I may not be able to access the Internet shortly (my cable bill is one of the things I have to work out). I will probably be offline until I can get settled in somewhere else. So I guess all I can say is, Goodbye for now and for those who stuck with me thru the roller-coaster that has become my life THANK YOU. For everybody else, may your insensitivity be returned to you when it will do the most good.
Jerry
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A letter to Jeanne:
Jeanne,
Dear, there was sooo much more left in this life for us to do.. we never really got started. The 3 years we were together went by much too fast, we never really did see our dreams take flight. Now, I am left without you.. I will never forget my love for you. I will have some hard choices to make in the next few months, but I will survive.. and carry a piece of you with me for the rest of my days.
You have taught me lessons in the type of person I want to be.. I have had so much hurt and anguish in my life, I was truly hoping you could help free me from all that. I guess it wasnt meant to be. I will not be able to attend your funeral in Illinois physically, but you must realize that my spirit will remain with you forever, just as yours will remain with me. I have learned many lessons in my life, but you have taught me the kindest gentlest ones. I will always love you.
Our time together may have been short, but I can always hope that I meant as much to you as you did to me. There has never been a person I have cared for as deeply, I cant even find words to describe how I feel for you. You are entering a new place now, a place where your sweet disposition and gentle nature will guide you, perhaps even better than it did in this lifetime. I never meant to deny you anything.. I gave you freely from the bottom of my soul, and you returned it in kind. Now, even this letter is too late.
Please be at peace dear one. You were loved.. truly and deeply and without reservations. We do not need to dwell on you being sick and you are beyond the point of worrying about that now. I just need you to reserve a place next to you for when my journey is finished, for that is where I truly want to be. I will not rush my journey, but hope I have retained enough of you to carry me through to that day. I will no longer fear death, as I know it will bring me back to you.
God has smiled upon me to grant me even the short time we were together. Please, sweetheart.. be at peace and thank you for the beautiful time you shared with me. It has changed my life for the better.
Goodbye my dear (remember to save that spot)
Jerry
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